this year has been one of much excitement and much sadness. we were finally LID on the last day of september... excited to have just made the cut to be considered for the next shared list from china. we had received our first "official" referral since our completed dossier was logged in with the CCCWA in china. the referral was for a beautiful little girl, "zi", with thalassemia. we had heard of it. we first learned of it 2 years prior when we were allowed to review files of children who had lingered for several months, years even, on the shared list. it was attached to the file of a sweet little one named "xi" who had caught my eye. it was a scary, lifelong diagnosis. we were overwhelmed with adjusting to the three we already had. we had to pass. it broke my heart. but i advocated for "xi" until her file no longer sat waiting and she had found a family. it changed me. i began to make blood donations regularly & religiously. and now here we were again... similar situation... 2 years later. it was all very confusing being back at square one.
just the month before, i happened upon a blog of an amazing woman who was traveling to china to adopt her 4th daughter. i enjoy reading about those IN china, seeing their "gotcha days" and learning more about the process and culture. i enjoy reading about those waiting to get their children less so. they are in the same boat as i. misery may love company, but i prefer to bask in the glow of those on the other side. i like to keep my eye on the prize and spend my current days, well, current. not thinking too much about what's to come, but living in the moment through the eyes of my littles. being present. it is through my following of her travels that i read a bit more about the organization she was affiliated with and her other daughters waiting at home. much to my shock and amazement, the little girl who touched my heart 2 years ago, "xi" was now HER daughter! i had seen her picture several times throughout her blog, but she is much older now, and we all know just how much our children change in the blink of an eye. she was the same sweet little one we saw just those 2 years before, standing angelically with the sweetest disposition... carrying her machine gun! too funny!
needless to say, when faced with the prospect of considering a child with thalassemia and my latest red thread "re"connection, i went to this gal with all sorts of questions in hopes that she could give me some guidance and insight on the day to day of the disease. she referred me to another woman who's son had the same exact diagnosis (turns out there is a spectrum). i "spoke" to this second woman through emails up until the 11th hour, when we were forced to make a final decision. at that point i had more unanswered questions than answered. she told me that she and her husband were already LID to adopt again and they were hoping for a little girl with the same disease. was this why we were directed to her in the first place? was little "zi" whom i fell in love instantly, really destined for HER family? we made the heart wrenching decision to let her file go in hopes that she would find her forever family with this one who was clearly ready, willing and overly able to handle her condition. as much as it pained me, it seemed like the ultimate thing that a selfless mother could do... release the hold on "her" child to another who could best provide. i cried for days. i helped this family reconnect with the little one's file. i cried some more. i continued to research the spectrum of anemia the whole month of october. i learned... ALOT. it was at the end of the month, just before the next shared list was to be released, that i got the phone call from a wonderful doctor who was a leading thalassemia doctor in the leading thal clinic in the country (and probably the world). he was within one hour of us! the supports that she required were all within one hour of us! she could be within one hour of receiving the best possible care for her disease... anywhere! i called our facilitator immediately! we were not interested in being considered for the next shared list. could we please find "zi's" file? i hadn't heard another word from the other family after multiple attempts, which lead me to feel perhaps they had not moved forward. and i did not want for this little one to simply sit on the shared list. history would not repeat itself if i could help it.
we were awaiting a reply to our inquiry from the CCCWA when the floor fell out from beneath us. in my relentless research of all the advocacy blogs and yahoo groups for any sign of sweet "zi", i did find her. it was just not what i had envisioned. another family had just submitted an LOI (letter of intent to adopt) for her. it is such a strange thing, to be happy and sad at the same time. this is what i had initially wanted for her, to have a family that could easily support her. and this is apparently what had been provided for her... another family who had a newly adopted daughter on the thalassemia spectrum. i was overjoyed for sweet "zi" and her new found family. i shared with them all the updates and pictures that we received from her orphanage in october. and then, it happened... the gut wrenching, heart breaking rush of sadness of losing the daughter that we never really had all over again. i fought the feeling as best i could but ultimately allowed myself to grieve the loss. more crying (btw, i am NOT a crier, can count on one hand the number of times tears fell from my eyes in the past 10 years, though you might never know that from this post). i felt numb for most of november, up until thanksgiving, when i led my children to consider all they were thankful for, and thereby was forced to do a little reflecting myself! the clouds parted and peace began to slowly pass freely again into my heart...
just in time, apparently! for tonight we were introduced to one sweet little thing... with anemia, no less! not as severe as beta thal major, and we truly will not know the extent until she comes home, but anemia of all things! amazing to think that this may have been His plan all along. i would have loved to been privy to this information throughout the journey (could've spared me all that uncharacteristic crying business). this momma who hasn't had very much to say around this time for the past 6 years suddenly has a whole mouthful, eh? to be continued, sooner rather than later, if all goes well i hope...
